life without my brother.

life without fouad is something i could never have imagined. in so many ways, it is the most unbelievably worst thing that's ever happened to me. but i do my best to be optimistic in life. and i gotta say, it's kind of nice not having him around. now before your pants fall off in the middle of a crowded room (i have no idea how that relates to anything but it came to me at 3 in the morning so why the hell not use it), hear me out. fouad has done more for me in this life than anyone outside of my mom. and that's a hell of a lot. but more recently, we discussed the humanity and mentality of america. i've gotta say, sometimes it take a great alteration in your life to see what it is he was talking about. this country and the people here it's all so predictable. i guess i never noticed it before, but now that i'm on my own, i'm forced to create a social connection on my own terms. it was easy before, i could just hide behind fouad and let the "entertainer" go to work. as long as fo was around, i felt at home. i didn't really give a shit to talk to the rest of the people in the room. now, i network with everyone i meet. get to know who they are, and why they are, and how to make that a beneficial relationship in some sense of the term. i can't deny it though, it is the biggest challenge of my life living without fo around. he opened my eyes to some of the most important things in my life - family, music (props to Xpsyche), columbia, religion, brotherhood, futbol, and so much more. of course the guy has his flaws...i mean after all, my hair is better. but outside of that, he has been a mentor and hero to me for as long as i've known. not long ago, my dad walked out on my entire family. my parents have been divorced for years, but he decided to cut us off. no talking, nothing. it has to be said in all fairness, he was a good dad when my parents were married. did the whole little league, cub scouts business. but, i can honestly admit, it's been about a little over a month since he decided he was done and a little bit over a month since fouad left. there have been many days where i don't give a second thought to the man that walked out on me. there has not been even ONE day where i don't miss fouad, my cousin, my brother. so what's the point of all that? don't ever underestimate the impact on someone's life that you have. you may be their only sanity. you may be the answer they've been looking for. you may change their lives forever.














i think the picture pretty much explains it.

happy turkeysgiving.

every year families around the country get together on the last thursday of november to celebrate the lovely raping and pillaging of the indians by the settlers. oh america. but let's be real here. who really is paying attention to the age old debacle between the indians and pilgrims over their thanksgiving dinner? most of us are focused on being thankful for their family and friends and life along those lines. for 19 years now, i have been celebrating this holiday of thanks, and for the first time, i finally had a perfect thanksgiving. well, nearly perfect. (fouad is in egypt, and family is not complete without him) but back to my wonderfully giddy sob story. so my aunt decided we should all go around the table and say what we were thankful for...it wasn't necessarily because she's that corny (although she is) but instead to stop my two uncles from debating what they'd just been watching on the beautifully informative fox news. regardless, everyone started giving their thanks, and i was thankful for my mom finding a job she loves, and something else that was probably trivial. but after all that, the table cleared up a bit as everyone finished. and, as always, there was two left eating still...myself and my grandpa. i've always shared a special bond with him, and as we sat there, i noticed he was eating his second big plate of food. he had stuffing, turkey, mashed potatoes, jello, green bean casserole, bread; it was neverending. and it was amazing. thanksgiving of '07 is the first time my grandpa has been able to eat anything other than soup in the past 2 months. he is finally in remission of his cancer. his face lit up when he told me he could taste what he was eating again. and it just goes to show you, all the materialistic things in life don't matter in the least. it's the little things that we take for granted everyday of our lives as if it's a human right to have these things. those of you reading this have eyes to see, and are probably listening to your iTunes as we speak. we can all walk and talk and taste and touch and hear and see and those are the basics of a human build that are so freaking amazing and we never think about. so, from now on, i advise everyone in the world reading this, to stop focusing on the trivial matters in life, and instead, take 2 minutes of the 24 hours in the day to say thanks. thanks for the little things. and really get a concept of just how major those little things are.

i love you gramps. as clueless as so many may say you are, you really open my eyes to a world i sometimes miss out on.

...and going and going and going...

there are many times in life where i wake up thinking about how thankful i am for the smallest things in life.  not to contradict that point, but lately it seems like i'm working my ass off and not moving forward in the least.  some people say working 2 jobs, making no money, and having no life is normal for a college kid and i should be so lucky.  and i would probably normally agree with that.  but for some reason, i can't at this point.  i feel like i should get to have a weekend at least every once in a while.  i feel like i'm drowning slowly, and i'm barely keeping my nose above the water.  gasping for breath of relief, and instead getting a mouth full of water.  i travel back and forth between wisconsin and illinois constantly to keep the two jobs.  you'd think living in chicago would make it easier to find a job, but man is it ever difficult to find something that will accommodate a lifestyle of most college goers.  i can't work as a waiter cause my hands shake, plus coming home at 1 am to get up in a few short hours after doing homework until 4 am is not worth it.  there's got to be a better way...God, if You're listening, i could really use Your help on this one.  oh and if anyone else has some suggestions, feel free to throw them my way.